Stupid things Parents Do (Part 1) (Part 2)
-to mess up Children's Lives

STUPID THING # 1: KEEP SECRETS

Some parents think It's best not to discuss their problems or worries with their children. Let's say Mom and Dad's marriage has become a struggle and they aren't communicating well. The parents never broach the subject with the kids or explain what's going on, even if the kids are teenagers, for fear that their marriage will look bad. Bu the truth is the kids already know. When the problems are discussed, you can teach your children that it's alright to be imperfect, and share with them what you've learned from your mistakes.
Kids eract in different ways to their parent's marital problems. Some become detached. Others try to become 'perfect' children, to make peace between Mom and Dad by being 'good'. Some stay away from home. A number of them become depressed. In many cases, their resentment will build up, and when they become adolescents, they simply act out.

With few exceptions, the children grown up to replay the family pattern as adults. They look for the same type of spouse, because that is the only they know. Sometimes they are so afraid of their past they overcompensate. Children who felt abandoned (due to alcoholism or infidelity or whatever) may turn the entire focus of their marriage to their children. Some cultures may see children as the primary
reason for marriage.

STUPID THING #2: Make Children Number One

Many parents don't take care of their own relationships. They do everything for the family. They think their primary task is to care for the children. Then when the kids are gone, the marriage is over. It ends in divorce,despair, frustration or disappointment Their kids will have a real hard time understanding - "Why are you getting divorced when you are 45 and we have a great family?' The family was great because for twenty years they focused on raising great kids. They never took time to enrich their marriage. They took each other for granted.
Remember, the children are egocentric by nature. They will take your time and energy and everything else you have to give. They will never be satisfied. That is not a meanthing- but if you don't take some money, time and attachment to hold it for the marriage, the kids will consume it and they won't know anything else.

STUPID THING #3: PLAY FAVOURITES
Oftentimes families cast children into roles; one child becomes the favourite, the hero; another, the scapegoat, the one that everyone blames for all the problems in the family; and another the mascot whom everyone likes but who is irresponsible.

Then they had children and passed the same crazy traits on. Isaac actually chose the son that God rejected. Why? Because Esau was a wild man and got the chance to do the things that Isaac never got the chance to. He got to live out in the forest, kill animals, cook his own game and Isaac was never allowed to do that. So Isaac acts out all the deficits in his own life to his children. So Isaac had a favourite son and that drove Jacob crazy. That is where the pain and hostility comes from.

STUPID THING #4: TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY
If you yell and scream at your kids, slap them or hit them, you need to stop and get some help. You need to learn how to talk to a child - then you can really discipline him. If you come from a family that ranted and raved, that's no excuse.
when you become an adult, you are always responsible for your own behaviour. You can't ever say, 'My dad drank so I drink. We do know there is a genetic influence, a biological influence in alcohol. But the person who becomes an alcoholic is always responsible for his choice. Be responsible; get help if needed.

Be Encouraged.

>> Contd in (Part 2)

<< Letter # 25 (06. 7.2003)